Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I'm so glad that I don't ever stay depressed for long!

I said something to Tim a few nights ago about how bad he was making me feel by not talking to me. He came upstairs a little frustrated it seemed because he never knows how to talk to me about stuff. I was already starting to feel better having just gotten it off my chest, and him acknowledging the problem really helped so much more, of course. Sometimes I just get one little negative thought to sprout in my mind and then it keeps growing into a huge nest of weeds that spread out and kill all the pretty thoughts I have. I am usually so good at staying ahead of them, but nobody is perfect and insecurities happen. I always look back at it and see how stupid it was.

So I am feeling back to my happy every day self. I've plunged back into my painting. I tried to read some more of my book Dracula last night but wasn't feeling it. I am getting really close to the end and I'm not sure if I want to attempt checking out any of the movies for fear that I will get irritated at any part that does not follow the book.

It looks as though Tim's mom coming over for dinner and laundry on Friday nights is going to be a regular thing for now. She is coming again in two days but this time I will not bother to get sad for being left out. Not that I want to sit around with her. Maybe I will take the kids somewhere just to hang out since Tristan does not like her, or we can just all lay on my bed together again and find a movie to watch and read some books.

Saturday, February 2, 2013


Yesterday day ended up being a bad day and I'm still really depressed today.

I had some errands to do and by the end of it I was really tired and dragging. Tim sent me a message right before I got back home because he thought I was only going out for some milk and didn't know why I wasn't home four hours later. So then I felt rushed. And every time I come home from the grocery I can barely get through the door because I have a dog jumping on me and two kids excitedly screaming that I'm home and wondering what goodies I might have gotten for them. That instantly hits my furious button. Tim only gets up to help bring stuff in the house when I get mad like that, as if helping me will keep him out of trouble. I don't want him helping me bring in the bags, I want him to pay attention to the kids while I'm gone. As soon as I get everything put away, I have to go through the house and see what disasters have been left for me to clean up.

So then I'm rushing around the house straightening up because his mom is coming over to do her laundry and give me frozen food to cook. Though I have no place to be complaining about free food right now. So I hide out in the kitchen keeping myself busy preparing dinner and playing with my phone. Thank god there we have a kitchen door and I can block her out just a tad more. Tim drops everything to spend time with his mom and sits down talking with her. Though he sees that dinner is ready, he doesn't bother to stop conversing with his mom to join me after I have fixed my plate and am waiting on them. I quietly get through dinner, wash a few dishes, and run away upstairs with the kids. Part of me is glad that Tristan does not like her either though I do wish he would learn some respect.

The kids and I just hang out on the bed watching Samurai Jack on my computer. Tim bothers to check on us once and I just ignore him. I go downstairs to get something while his mom is upstairs checking her laundry and Tim asks me what's wrong. As if we can talk about it while his mom is here. He mentions me sitting down and joining the conversation. As if he would even acknowledge my presence or even talk to me. I would not be joining them, I would just be sitting there, bored and ignored. He spends the whole night talking with his mom. About work and all kinds of things that if I myself asked about he would just shrug it off. It absolutely kills me that he will spend hours talking to everyone else about everything, but not to me. The kids and I are not interesting nor worth spending any amount of time with.

Most of the time I am able to keep myself busy enough to forget how lonely I really am. Everyone once in a while it creeps up and bites me, and like any wound it takes a few days to heal before you can forget that it ever happened. I have no companion. No adult affection or attention outside of the internet. I have no one to talk to about it because there is no cure. Except a good friend of ours from Misawa. I tell him that Tim is better off without us. He is a loner and will never be happy with life. If I wasn't so completely dependent on being supported by him, I would probably do him the favor of leaving. So that he isn't always bothered by us and so that I am not constantly trying my hardest to ignore him and pretend that I'm fine. Our friend say that he would miss us too much. I don't believe that for a second. He might miss us some, yes, but not enough. We are only still together because I gave up a long time ago.

First I was too depressed to continue painting, and now I can't even finish reading my book. I just want to be alone and miserable. Maybe even take a nap and let the demons of my sleep paralysis come for me.